May 2004 Archives

E. B. Farnum for President!


E. B. FarnumI have complete confidence that E. B. is a more worthy candidate for president of the United States than either Kerry or Bush, and his chances are at least equal to Nader's.

Think about it. The current Mayor of Deadwood has amply demonstrated integrity, honesty and leadership qualities that far surpass George W.'s, and cowardly though he may be, has he more balls than Kerry. Al Swearengen could be the power behind the throne as VP; A.W. Merrick, with his media savvy, would make a splendid press secretary; maybe a Farnum administration could recruit Eddie Sawyer from the Cy Tolliver organization and put him in charge of Treasury. I'm not sure whether Dan Dority would be more effective at the top slot in the Pentagon, or as Chief of Staff. But I know I'd rather have a principled, upstanding lad like Seth Bullock enforcing the law of the land than that fascist looney tune John Ashcroft. Mrs. Garret would surely make a fine replacement for Condi at National Security. And we all know Doc Cochran is a no-brainer for Surgeon General.

MoveableType goes commercial


I was disappointed to discover just now that MT is now requiring paid licenses for all but its miserly, stripped-down free edition, and calling it a "publishing platform."
Good luck guys.

Time to think about migration to another blogware.

random bits

| 1 Comment

While driving, I heard the first report that Nicholas Berg's body had been returned to the US. I wondered out loud - what about the head? I did this many times that day as it went around on the various news channels. I am still wondering about the head.

Jesus ate and drank but did not defecate.
- Valentinus

Yes, it is wonderful that the church cleared that up; but what about all the other bodily functions? I must say, I am impressed that they cared enough to clear that detail up. What have they had to say about wet dreams? I'm sure someone has mentioned that.

Al is a mean cocksucker for sure but I can't help noticing that he gets out of bed in the morning, in his obviously unlaundered long-johns and proceeds to piss in a chamber pot. He is getting back-splash all over his feet. Try it and then tell me I'm wrong. Louis XIV at Versailles, used to piss out the window and try to hit someone walking by. I would have written that into Deadwood - can't you see Al doing that? They should have consulted me.

One of the best boxing ring names I have heard in a long time: "Concrete" - Kind of sums it up. "And then, I makes the mutha-fucka kiss the curb"

"Blood Meridian" is now available as a "modern library" edition in hardback. Harold Bloom has written the introduction. Makes me want to take his class at Yale.

I am so happy that gas prices have gone up so I can have the pleasure of laughing at the assholes driving SUV's to pick up bread and milk at the grocery store. I have been waiting to find one of those monsters with a save the enviroment bumper sticker or something similar. Guns are a good thing.

As President I would raise the gas price to $5.00 a gallon and use the extra to undo the damage that little w has done to the economy. The whiney business men who cry foul because they use there "cars" for business? Fuck em. They can write it off on their taxes. Poor people? Around here they take the bus or walk to "work". Lets keep in mind - the excess from the gas tax. I think I can figure out how to cover the truely disadvantaged.

Why do we face the doors on elevators? I have taken to getting in a corner away from the doors and making sobbing noises. Makes the trip much more interesting.

How about those Minnesota Twins!

You pussies!

| 1 Comment

Al SwearengenGoddamnit I'm sick and tired of you pathetic fucking cocksuckers who fancy yourselves literati constantly holding forth about pointless shit on my fucking blog. I like to swear. I disagree with the administration's policies. For the love of christ won't you please shut the fuck up? If you don't get your useless asses over to the Gem and start drinking, gambling and buying some cunt, I'm gonna have Dan slit every one of your fucking throats for you and feed you to Wu's pigs. How would you like that?

The variety of swearing


Lets make this clear: everybody swears, yes some more than others - construction workers, the homies hangin on the corner, someone with tourettes syndrome, etc. and there are those who swear only occasionally. Anyone who maintains that not once has a bit of "bad" language passed their lips is full of shit; a lot of it. My mother doesn't swear a lot for example, but she does. She hates the word "fuck" and I've been reprimanded for using it in conversation. However - when she really desperately needs to make a point.... you get the concept.

There is a scene in the movie "A Christmas Story" (Jean Shepard's writing - some of the funniest stuff around) where the kids father is down in the basement wrestling with the coal furnace and you hear the equivalent of writing #?!!*$@+!##"~! ; just a bunch of double-talk nonsense for the PG rating. The narrator says something like: when it comes to swearing, my father worked with words the way a great artist uses oils or a sculptor works with clay; his medium was profanity.

Recently I have returned to working on a car - the mechanical side of me. It had lain dormant since high-school. While replacing a front brake wheel cylinder and having a bit of trouble, I was helping myself with encouraging strings of really, really bad words. It hit me right then that I was using a unique combination of expletives. I came to realize that I have "working on the MG" profanity. What a concept! and as I pondered it more, came to recognize that I have special situational language unique to a lot of activities. Think about it; it's fun! Some examples: driving - choice phrases are used then and only then. Asshole is a prominent word; usually preceded by "you ought to be put to sleep". Asshole is almost a pronoun. Usually it is used for men and often combined with "fucking" Women get bitch with fucking or goddamn, actually, more often with both words. Upon hearing something really annoying; something that is going to upset my plans, perhaps: Then I get spiritual. First comes a prolonged aawwww... followed by: jesus (I'm not too put out yet -or a simple shit, when I'm not religious) then it expands depending on the degree of annoyance - jesus christ; jesus fucking christ; goddamn fucking jesus christ - if it is worse than that then things get very creative, but somehow that jesus guy stays with me. I saw a painting of "The circumcision of the lord" and underneath the caption read "Really? He yelled out his own name?"

When I drop something or miss a note or some other small, isolated mistake, what comes out is very close to spitting. Just one word is enough; said very quickly and with heavy emphasis one the first letter: "shit" "fuck" etc. Akin to the sound of a race car passing by at very high speed. If the little mistake repeats itself then the ante is upped and from there on it gets progressively more creative.

Then there is the issue of volume. Those little one word bits are almost whispers at times, because the moment is fairly intimate and personal. To my great surprise and probably what led me to this epiphany, is that my "mechanics" profanity is extremely loud and violent and doesn't go through the usual development section. Loud and unique. So loud that on occasion I have quickly looked to make sure that one of the cute neighborhood kids wasn't lingering about. The string of words is completely baffling because I am dealing with both myself and a bunch of inanimate objects. It is really, really entertaining - almost as if someone has taken control of my voice.

So play the game: what language is used with each event and how do the circumstances alter the creative process? And to all of you who say that people who swear do so because they haven't the capacity to express themselves any other way: "I'm extremely annoyed and quite beside myself, almost to the point of apoplexy because I can't get this 3/4 inch spanner to even begin to budge this recalcitrant nut" - just doesn't cut it. It is way too pleonastic. "goddamn fucking shit" is elegant and to the point of the matter. So eat shit and die mother fucker.

The Joy of Swearing

| 1 Comment

There are those who say that the use of gratuitous profanity is symptomatic of weak powers of expression, laziness, poor self-discipline. Well you know what? I happen to enjoy swearing. Some argue that the promiscuous use of our friend the F-word, for example, diminishes its expressive power. Well guess what: that's one fucking trade-off I can live with.

Our Senators have been looking at revolting sado-porn images of US military and mercenary personnel abusing Iraqi prisonerss, and they are telling us how disturbing this is.

What, and we don't get to see? Come on. We like to look at sick shit too, ya know. Can I get a little democracy and transparency in this fucking place?

speaking of the Sopranos....

| No Comments

I predict that Johnny Sac will crush that malapropism-using, pretentious prick Little Carmine.

I predict something bad is gonna happen to our good friend, that homocidal genius, the erudite murderer, that clever assassin and would-be massage therapist known as Tony B. I think Johnny Sac might take his revenge on him for wacking Joey Peeps, and tell Tony S to just deal with it.

Oddities of Product Placement


If you were Snapple, would you want to have an empty bottle from one of your products smashed into someone's face on the Sopranos? Seems to me that smashing people's faces with a bottle is kind of negative.

Then again, what do I know about marketing. Perhaps they're thrilled to get their brand in front of those eyeballs regardless of the context

Deadwood: A New Drinking Game


Required equipment:   whiskey, a TV, and an episode of Deadwood.

Number of players:  a minimum of one.

Rules:   Play begins when the Deadwood episode starts. Every time a character on the program does a shot, players are required to do a shot. Last player standing is deemed the winner.

We'll miss ya, Bob Edwards

| No Comments

I know I wasn't the only one who got a little teary when Bob said his goodbyes.

On literally thousands of mornings I've stood there trying to cut through the fog, pondering my coffee, my day, my life, and listening to Bob and to whomever he was interviewing. And I have almost invariably enjoyed listening. There's something about his voice, his style, his technique, and the workings of his intelligence that make you genuinely like the guy. Or at least, you're sure you would if you knew him personally. It seems inconceivable that the man is an asshole in real life.

I should note that I am not unconditionally in love with NPR. They often provoke my more-radical-than-thou leftist wrath with their pussy-liberal establishment optic and spin. But still I'm a habitual listener.

Let us digress. Because I live where I do, a real lefty radio alternative is available: WBAI. Problem is, their production quality and indeed their content is often just too shitty, and I lose patience. I recall one morning turning them on and hearing some guy chanting and playing bongoes. When he was done, the host of the show was like, thank you man that was really good. Guess what: no it wasn't. It sucked. Then came a woman reading dreadful poetry in a 1960s jive voice that was supposed to make us think she was cool. That's when I said fuck this I'm outa here, I'd rather listen to white males discuss the stock market.

Back to the matter at hand: you did a helluva job, Bob Edwards. We'll miss you buddy.

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries from May 2004 listed from newest to oldest.

Previous: April 2004

Next: June 2004

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.


Powered by Movable Type 5.12